Monday, June 20, 2022
Saturday, August 14, 2021
Saturday, March 20, 2021
Saturday, March 13, 2021
How to Identify Spiritual Abuse by a Spiritual Leader
Watching this video by Allen Parr made me think it was just about YWAM, as I could see YWAM in all the points he covered! Click on link below:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvCKoTlGe-c
Wednesday, August 5, 2020
YWAM and a Poverty Mentality
Someone recently asked about the "poverty mentality" in YWAM. Here is what I told her:
Since people who join YWAM need to raise support from individuals & churches, it is hard to raise enough money to be able to live comfortably, have money for daily needs, health insurance & save for the future & retirement. There are a few who go into YWAM from wealthy backgrounds or have huge monthly financial support from large churches.
Many of those who go into YWAM have a scholarship from a third world country which usually means they have enough for airfare & their school fees, but not much else. Once they finish their schools & stay on school or base staff, they have nothing!
Even though most people in YWAM would be in the legal definition of poverty, you are told to “trust God” for finances. Most are not allowed to get even a part-time job off base to make a little money to survive. This can mean that your staff fees carry over to the next month & the next, so by the time you want to leave, you are in debt to YWAM for thousands of dollars that they expect you to pay them once you move on.
There is the YWAM elite who are charismatic speakers & whose airfares are paid to fly to bases around the world to speak as well as given an honorarium. Many of these speakers also write books that they sell on YWAM bases and elsewhere. Most people in YWAM have little or no way to raise extra money and have little set aside for emergencies.
Also realize there is pressure on staff and students to dig deep financially to help out those who can not pay off their school fees.
Saturday, June 6, 2020
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
Memories of Being in YWAM
This is from my journal, 2 1/2 years before I left YWAM. I felt pretty
much like this until I got out! I just had to wear a mask for survival! I
have healed soooo much! ❤️
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Meet Matt
Here
I am with my friend Matt (who's with the Lord now, due to a stroke)
ministering to Aboriginals at Kings Cross on the Summer of Missions
we led in Sydney, Australia. We never thought they'd let us lead an
outreach because of how we liked to fool around & have fun on
base & looked for ways to skip intercession.
Matt had his vices he never seemed to be able to overcome but through it all, loved Jesus.
I respected Matt, in spite of his struggles unlike leadership in YWAM who liked to come across as having it all together. Matt was transparent with me about his struggles & I with Matt.
Matt used to get excited about things & say, “This is REALLY livin'!”. I can just imagine Matt walking the streets of gold in heaven & shouting out, “This is REALLY livin'.”!
Monday, November 25, 2019
Friday, November 22, 2019
Buttons
When
I was about 10, my parents had a birthday party for me. Several
children came & brought presents. After the party, I gathered up
all the gifts, gave them to my older brother Tom & said, “Here,
I don't want this junk! I want a puppy!”. It wasn't long after that
that my parents relented & bought our first family dog, Buttons.
Buttons
was a friendly dog & would even smile when you would talk to her.
We had a postman that would carry his bag of mail with him & give
Buttons a ride in his bag around the block. Buttons likes the postman
& would smile and sneeze when she would see him coming, happy to
see him.
One
day, there was a new postman. Buttons smiled as usual, but the new
postman took it as a snarl or threat & kicked Buttons. Buttons
would never trust a postman again & would bark & get agitated
if she saw one, or even a mail truck.
I
believe that most of the victims of abuse in YWAM were like Buttons in the beginning of
our YWAM experience. We looked upon the leaders as safe &
approachable since they were in the “service of the Lord”!
When
we were suddenly abused by one or more in leadership, it took away
our faith & trust in leaders. For a lot of us, there may always
be distrust when is comes to men & women who are in spiritual
leadership positions.
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Sexual Abuse in YWAM?!!
CLICK LINK BELOW:
https://medium.com/@rebeccalujanloveless/ywamtoo-my-sexual-abuse-story-f891884af23c
https://medium.com/@rebeccalujanloveless/ywamtoo-my-sexual-abuse-story-f891884af23c
Another Good Blog Exposing YWAM Abuse
CLICK ON LINK BELOW:
https://ryanespringer.blogspot.com/2019/11/culty-is-as-culty-does.html
Monday, November 11, 2019
What is Spiritual Abuse?
I have often heard it asked, “What is spiritual abuse?” Here is my answer:
Spiritual abuse can mean many different things to different people. It usually has to do with control and manipulation. It is causing you to doubt yourself when you are aware that something is not right, making YOU the problem rather than an issue you think needs addressing or not treating everyone as equals in a school or base. Control of relationships when people are adults and not in sinful behavior. Speaking for God so you can not question them, for then you are questioning God. Trying to coerce you into what you should do with your life whether you feel you have that calling or not. Telling you that you do not need a university education to do the Lord's work, so you should forgo college & stay in YWAM. There is a LOT to it. It is not a small box that either one fits in or doesn't. Each person who's been spiritually abused might give a different definition as to what it is.
What is a YWAM NIKO Course?
Thinking of doing a Nico camp with YWAM? Read what the experience is like before you decide:
The TLDR is this, we made our YWAM DTS students homeless on the streets of Paris for 3 days.
In telling you all this I am breaking my "vow" to never share what happens in a NIKO camp. Ridiculous. I say "YWAM" but technically this is facilitated through "Kings Kids," a sister organization to YWAM. Whatever the case this was standard for all of our DTSes, including a Crossroads DTS that had elderly students.
I participated 2x as staff and it's one of my biggest regrets, that I was so brainwashed I not only felt this was acceptable but actually beneficial for my students. We begin by telling them to only bring their Bible, good shoes, and warm clothes. The whole thing is shrouded in secrecy.
We show up to a basement, cave, in Paris and have prayer and worship. They are given the "choice" to participate. A line is drawn and they are asked to cross it if they are to continue. This is hideous because absolutely NO ONE knows what it is they are agreeing to. They are given plastic shopping bags from a very low priced french grocery store and told to put everything they will "need" into the bags. Many regret putting anything in the bags at all. Then we take them into a park as it gets late in a very bad neighborhood of Paris, and play team building games while drunks and drug dealers cheer us on. Then they are told to get everything they will need to sleep. With no further explanation. People scatter into the streets gathering cardboard, trash, once they even found an abandoned mattress. After this we take them to an abandoned railroad track near a bridge where they all sleep for the night. After some time we give them army issue sleeping bags. "See guys we will take care of you, trust us." No one believes this is really happening. Anger and tears all around as we go off for a staff meeting. It's fall so its rainy and around 36-40 degrees.
The next day they are marched through the city with various spurts of running and the Paris monuments are pointed out. Again no explanation is given as to what or why this is happening. The staff call it the death march. It's 26 miles (42km), the length of a marathon. It takes all day even up until midnight. Those grocery bags with their belongings are like torture devices at this point and gradually begin to tear a part and items are discarded. The students suffer because they aren't prepared whereas the staff have been working out for months to get ready for this one day. Many former students still suffer from this. One girl lost her toenails, they never grew back right. Another now has arthritis in her knees, she's in her 20s. They failed to obey the "bring good shoes" rule. So it's "their fault." That night to everyone's delight they sleep in the cave. Paris caves are little better than the outside. But at least everyone feels safer.
The next day we have a rigged lottery where staff draws "Bs" and students draw "As" out of a hat. The Bs get a lavish french breakfast and the As eat stale baguette (rock hard) out of a trash bag with water. This is to illustrate unfair privilege. Later that day we take them to a notorious train station to "talk" to people. Homeless people and drug dealers. Extremely dangerous. For lunch they have to panhandle in an outdoor market and aren't allowed to tell the people why or what they are doing. Just that they need food for lunch and have no money. Sometimes they're given discarded food, sometimes money. Often they are berated by angry tourists for being penniless Americans in Paris. Because they can't speak French they have to beg in pantomime or ask tourists.
That night we feed them spaghetti. The next morning it's stale baguette again and they are taken into an abandoned railway tunnel where you can not see anything and asked to run through it on "faith." Many fall and get injured. Then they have to scale a 20 foot fence. Or go back through the tunnel. Of course many fail and have to go back through the mile long pitch black tunnel. Then we debrief. Any complaints are met with stern beratement from the staff about them not appreciating this valuable lesson. Of course those who think it was all wonderful are highly praised.
We take them for showers. Everyone is SO EXCITED until they realize they are showering in a homeless shelter with other homeless men and women. Again lots of confusion as to why 18-22 year old Americans are showering with French homeless people. It's done and everyone is taken to Chinese food for "graduation." They are given diplomas and attaboys. Told they are to swear an oath to never tell anyone about NIKO, even their families. Then we take them back to the base.
My family and I are Americans living in France.
YWAM NIKO Urban Paris
The TLDR is this, we made our YWAM DTS students homeless on the streets of Paris for 3 days.
In telling you all this I am breaking my "vow" to never share what happens in a NIKO camp. Ridiculous. I say "YWAM" but technically this is facilitated through "Kings Kids," a sister organization to YWAM. Whatever the case this was standard for all of our DTSes, including a Crossroads DTS that had elderly students.
I participated 2x as staff and it's one of my biggest regrets, that I was so brainwashed I not only felt this was acceptable but actually beneficial for my students. We begin by telling them to only bring their Bible, good shoes, and warm clothes. The whole thing is shrouded in secrecy.
We show up to a basement, cave, in Paris and have prayer and worship. They are given the "choice" to participate. A line is drawn and they are asked to cross it if they are to continue. This is hideous because absolutely NO ONE knows what it is they are agreeing to. They are given plastic shopping bags from a very low priced french grocery store and told to put everything they will "need" into the bags. Many regret putting anything in the bags at all. Then we take them into a park as it gets late in a very bad neighborhood of Paris, and play team building games while drunks and drug dealers cheer us on. Then they are told to get everything they will need to sleep. With no further explanation. People scatter into the streets gathering cardboard, trash, once they even found an abandoned mattress. After this we take them to an abandoned railroad track near a bridge where they all sleep for the night. After some time we give them army issue sleeping bags. "See guys we will take care of you, trust us." No one believes this is really happening. Anger and tears all around as we go off for a staff meeting. It's fall so its rainy and around 36-40 degrees.
The next day they are marched through the city with various spurts of running and the Paris monuments are pointed out. Again no explanation is given as to what or why this is happening. The staff call it the death march. It's 26 miles (42km), the length of a marathon. It takes all day even up until midnight. Those grocery bags with their belongings are like torture devices at this point and gradually begin to tear a part and items are discarded. The students suffer because they aren't prepared whereas the staff have been working out for months to get ready for this one day. Many former students still suffer from this. One girl lost her toenails, they never grew back right. Another now has arthritis in her knees, she's in her 20s. They failed to obey the "bring good shoes" rule. So it's "their fault." That night to everyone's delight they sleep in the cave. Paris caves are little better than the outside. But at least everyone feels safer.
The next day we have a rigged lottery where staff draws "Bs" and students draw "As" out of a hat. The Bs get a lavish french breakfast and the As eat stale baguette (rock hard) out of a trash bag with water. This is to illustrate unfair privilege. Later that day we take them to a notorious train station to "talk" to people. Homeless people and drug dealers. Extremely dangerous. For lunch they have to panhandle in an outdoor market and aren't allowed to tell the people why or what they are doing. Just that they need food for lunch and have no money. Sometimes they're given discarded food, sometimes money. Often they are berated by angry tourists for being penniless Americans in Paris. Because they can't speak French they have to beg in pantomime or ask tourists.
That night we feed them spaghetti. The next morning it's stale baguette again and they are taken into an abandoned railway tunnel where you can not see anything and asked to run through it on "faith." Many fall and get injured. Then they have to scale a 20 foot fence. Or go back through the tunnel. Of course many fail and have to go back through the mile long pitch black tunnel. Then we debrief. Any complaints are met with stern beratement from the staff about them not appreciating this valuable lesson. Of course those who think it was all wonderful are highly praised.
We take them for showers. Everyone is SO EXCITED until they realize they are showering in a homeless shelter with other homeless men and women. Again lots of confusion as to why 18-22 year old Americans are showering with French homeless people. It's done and everyone is taken to Chinese food for "graduation." They are given diplomas and attaboys. Told they are to swear an oath to never tell anyone about NIKO, even their families. Then we take them back to the base.
Friday, November 8, 2019
Spies in the Camp
It has been brought to my attention, once again that there are SPIES in the Spiritual Abuse in YWAM group reporting to YWAM leaders what is being discussed in confidence. That should not scare any of the members as maybe it is the only way they will find out that they are being exposed and the damage they have done!
Having
spies in this private, confidential group shows me what cowards they
are. Of course I do not know who they are or I would ban them.
For
me, I decided long ago that I do not care if what I say in here gets
back to YWAM leaders. I know that may not be the same with others,
but there is nothing to be afraid or feel ashamed of in exposing
abuse & the abusers. We are bringing what was done in darkness
into the light! Each time I do it, I feel more empowered.
We
all heal at a different pace & it often takes YEARS. I know it
has for me! When I confronted the former Honolulu base leader the
other day at Safeway about abuse in YWAM it was something I would
have NEVER done a few years ago out of fear. Fear of what? Fear that
he could still somehow control & abuse me? I am no longer in
YWAM. He can not do anything to me! He may not agree with what I
shared, but I planted seeds that may one day bear fruit.
He
is a weak, flawed human being just like all of us. Some people do not
respect boundaries so come in & try and bully us, especially if
we are meek & non-confrontational. I choose to take the power
back & not allow the bullies to “put me in my place” out of
fear.
We
will go forward & tell our stories & share where the toxic
bases are. The group will continue to grow and the news that YWAM is
a controlling, abusive cult will continue to spread.
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Thursday, October 3, 2019
Friday, September 6, 2019
Free to be Me
In
YWAM, we are often guilt-ed into going long-term as missionaries to a
far off country. We are led to believe that that is the highest
calling in life & that we do not need an education or skill but
just to "obey the Great Commission and GO!".
Those put up on the highest
pedestal on base were those who were coming through on furlough from
a place like India or Pakistan or even Japan. Those who felt called
to be on base staff & do yard work or work in the kitchen were
often overlooked as they did their job daily since it was not
"spiritual".
We are all individuals & have
our own giftings & callings which may or may not fit into YWAM's
vision for the world. I remember feeling guilty because I did not
think my gift of art was "spiritual" (even though I put
together tracts, book covers, T-shirts & other printed materials
on base).
I am FREE of that now. I know that
when I sit & paint, I am using the gift God gave me & it
doesn't need to be something with a religious theme! I am worshiping
God when I go on my hikes & spend time in His creation. I am
simply being me & that is all that is expected of me. How freeing
it was when I realized I did not have to be an evangelist. I have
always hated public speaking & hated when YWAM would try &
force me to give my testimony at an open air (I never did).
How good it is to just love Jesus
and not feel compelled to do something to gain his grace & love
but just be me.
Friday, August 30, 2019
From Religion to Relationship
I think the abuse and false doctrines in YWAM were the catalyst that helped purge me of a lot of the religion & led me into a deeper relationship with God.
Now when I pray, read the Bible or listen to Christian teachings on YouTube, it is because I want to rather than what is forced upon me. I remember how spiritually dead those times of intercession were when the clock seemed to stop.
Now, I spend more than an hour in prayer on my hikes and enjoy doing it.
Back in YWAM, when we were told we must pray for Muslims, my heart wasn't into it (not that I didn't care about Muslims). Since then, I have made several Muslim friends and pray for them as well on my hikes.
I don't think God was impressed with those dead intercessions when a lot of the people there would have rather been elsewhere as their minds wandered. I think on those mandatory fast days, Jesus would have been with those who would sneak off to McDonald's as well rather than fast with the pious.
Once, the base director made intercession optional- until he was the ONLY person that showed up for it, so he made it mandatory again.
My relationship with the Lord is based on his love & grace, not the law that YWAM tried to impose on the people.
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