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From Religion to Relationship

I think the abuse and false doctrines in YWAM were the catalyst that helped purge me of a lot of the religion & led me into a deeper relationship with God. 

Now when I pray, read the Bible or listen to Christian teachings on YouTube, it is because I want to rather than what is forced upon me. I remember how spiritually dead those times of intercession were when the clock seemed to stop.

Now, I spend more than an hour in prayer on my hikes and enjoy doing it. 

Back in YWAM, when we were told we must pray for Muslims, my heart wasn't into it (not that I didn't care about Muslims). Since then, I have made several Muslim friends and pray for them as well on my hikes.

I don't think God was impressed with those dead intercessions when a lot of the people there would have rather been elsewhere as their minds wandered. I think on those mandatory fast days, Jesus would have been with those who would sneak off to McDonald's as well rather than fast with the pious. 

Once, the base director made intercession optional- until he was the ONLY person that showed up for it, so he made it mandatory again.

My relationship with the Lord is based on his love & grace, not the law that YWAM tried to impose on the people.

Much Truth is Said in Jest!

The Stench of Legalism

I have not written much about spiritual abuse lately. I have been concentrating on trying to win my battle with prostate cancer. I made a blog about my experience of having tomo radiation for the past 37 days.

I was just on Facebook in another friend's account debating a YWAMmer preaching hell, fire and brimstone with a big dose of legalism vs. living the message of love in 1 Corinthians 13. I did not know this person with whom I was debating, but I certainly recognized the familiar spirit!

There will be a lot of “Christians” going to bed tonight with a head full of biblical doctrine, dos and don'ts who will be using their “ministry” to force the yolk of legalism, hell fire and damnation upon the lost, yet with a heart void of grace & love. I think it is time the Church preaches 1 Corinthians 13 but more importantly, LIVES it.

I know that if my only examples of Christianity were the leadership (not all of them) the 12 years I was in YWAM, I would have walked away from Christ when I left YWAM as well (as I know some did). I know the leaders were not a reflection of His character though. There were a lot of great sermons there, but a complete lack of servant hood.

And who showed most, the character and love of Christ when I had my cancer surgery? The fundamentalist/legalistic brother of mine who feels like only his little church has a corner on Truth, but only wrote a short note before surgery to say they were praying for me and never inquired as to how I was doing or called me after surgery or through radiation? No! My gay brother & his partner who came to care for me the two weeks surrounding my surgery! I will take the love shown through a Believer who may not have it all together (and who does?) over suffocating legalism ANY day!

I would MUCH rather see the Gospel lived out than hear the words coming from one who does not practice it! Anyone can say "God loves you, etc", but to SHOW the love & servant heart of God takes sacrifice and a relationship with Him. I pray I can show more & more of this attribute of the Saviour.

I heard this week, from a former person in leadership at YWAM Honolulu while I was there. It was one I did not know very well, but whom I had not experienced any abuse from. I shared what I had gone through & where I was at now, still healing from over a decade ago of over a decade of ugly spiritual abuse.

I experienced more healing with his words which also shared a broken view of leadership at YWAM while I was there as well as a lack of grace. He had also shared things that had gone on in his life after YWAM in Christian community, failures & decisions people did not agree with & so turned their backs on him. Again, so often the Church will “love” us if we do, say and are like we perceive who they want us to be. Praise Jesus, He accepts us right where we're at.

Our conversation began when I posted that I was going to watch the DVD on Lonnie Frisbee: Lonnie Frisbee, The Life and Death of a Hippie Preacher. It shared how if it were not for Lonnie Frisbee, there would probably be no Calvary Chapel or Vineyard denominations but due to Lonnie's struggles, they have wiped him out of their history.

Unfortunately, I think how Calvary Chapel and the Vineyard treated Lonnie is all too typical of the Church. I think that a lot of spiritual leaders don't realize they too live in glass houses as they throw stones of condemnation at those who are not like them and struggle with sins they evidently feel the blood of Christ can not cover. It makes those who struggle with sin (and that includes ALL of us) feel that we are not wanted by God, much less His church.

I liked how Lonnie was heard saying to Christians, “Take your free will back!” I felt the 12 years I was in YWAM I gave up my priceless gift of free will to the leaders. Man tries all too often to try & force us to wear the yolk of sinless perfection and legalism while God can and does use us right where we're at, in spite of our weakness, frailty and shortcomings. God's yolk is light while man's is crushing.

The longer I have been away from YWAM there is even a stronger stench to legalism. The one who has not experienced much grace himself shows little grace towards others...

The CULT of YWAM Honolulu

Unfortunately, cults are subtle and mix truth with error.

Emotions experienced during my 12 years in the cult.

I always thought that people who ended up in religious cults were mindless to begin with, or they would not be sucked into the organization. I found from experience that this is not the case.

Life is not always “fixed” by a prayer, spiritual formula or a pat answer. One can know the Lord, but after a horrific experience in a cult, be forever emotionally & spiritually scarred. I do not know why God allowed me to get involved with Youth With A Mission (YWAM) Honolulu for 12 years, but I think one reason is to warn others. I forgive those who wronged me, but that does not mean that the leadership at YWAM HNL (most of who are no longer there) should not be held accountable for their ungodly, unethical and unbiblical behavior which was forced on others.

The message of what life is like under a theocratic dictatorship needs to be shouted to the world, so it might save others who have a heart after God from getting involved with such a group. People who go into YWAM wanting to serve the Lord soon find that they must be puppets in what they say & do in what the leadership wants to hear in order to survive! If one questions a policy or action, rather than discussing it as adults, you are met with "Are you questioning MY authority?" or "GOD has placed ME in this leadership position". One also hears comments such as “God wanted me to tell you…”.

When the Lord finally freed me from the clutches of this "Christian CULT" I felt emotionally & spiritually dead. After being away from YWAM for a few months, I realized that even though I was in my 30s, I was never allowed to be an adult! I even felt the need to "protect" the true reality of YWAM when I first left, afraid to even whisper that "I had been involved in a manipulating cult". God, in his mercy has healed me a lot since then, but I still retain the emotional & spiritual scars & do not trust those in a position of "spiritual authority".

One time, I volunteered to lead a prayer time and felt we should pray for Russia. I was told by one of the leaders, “We can’t pray for Russia when so many of the bases we have sent long-term workers to need prayer”! (A year or 2 later, a team from YWAM HNL was sent to Russia on a mission!)

Families are “worshipped”, as are those who have gone to third world countries long term in YWAM. It’s ironic that the families do less on the base than a person who is single. Most of the wives were "mothers" & did nothing to contribute to the group, yet were the first to take whatever might be donated to the base. Singles were chastised for not willingly offering to baby-sit the children of the families! What if God calls you as a single to serve Him in a first-world country? Is that not just as "spiritual"? Students were made to feel guilty if they wanted to leave YWAM after they finished their course to go to university, being told “there was no higher call than to go to the mission field”. Ironically, I heard complaints from those who were long-term in places like India because of being sent workers with no skills.

Of course a mother with small children should have the freedom to spend 100% of her time caring for her children. I am referring to those with school age children who did nothing to contribute. The base director's wife would always say that "she would be involved on base once her kids were in school". Once her kids were in school, she was made a council member (conflict of interest to have both a husband & wife with votes on the council) but did almost nothing for the good of the base!

What was also noticed is that for the most part, the children on base would be unsupervised, undisciplined & would run all over the base, as if it were some large day care center.

Why was it that one mother with young babies could be so involved in the base while other base moms with fewer & older children would do nothing to contribute. Moms should not be expected to be Super Moms like one of the council member's wife was (even though she, like all of us had her faults), but she was an example of what a mom could accomplish on base whilst raising her children. That was the family that was asked to leave!!! They also had a ministry to Mormons, and since that was "not the calling of YWAM Honolulu", were told they did not want them involved in evangelizing Mormons (though the wife of the council member was saved from Mormonism)!

God gives us in life the gifts he intends for us to use and our “mission field” may be at a secular job. He has not called all to go serve Him in India or to die as a martyr. To use the gifts he has given us is a form of worshipping Him, as we are simply being who He has called us to be. Those who were not like the YWAMer that fit the mold would quickly be ostracized as having an "independent spirit" or looked down upon, such as those who did not speak in tongues. (It’s funny how the charismatics during times of worship came across as so spiritual, but in day to day life, were no different or more spiritual than anyone else.) The charismatics were constantly trying to attain an emotional experience rather than living simply by faith & the Word. Non-charismatics were told that “they were not “Spirit-filled”, yet if one does not have the Spirit living within them, they do not know the Lord.

There was an ugly power struggle within the leadership while I was there that sent away a godly family, when the focus should have been on how to glorify Jesus, not a man or group of leaders. The YWAM base is like a family. The leaders are the head of that family. When the head of that family is dysfunctional, the entire family becomes dysfunctional. One quickly learns not to feel, see or discuss the dysfunction one sees daily.

I was involved in an evangelistic crusade in Tahiti where a well known evangelist in charismatic circles came to do some healing services. The services were advertised as such, with flyers saying the evangelist had even "raised the dead". (Of course this happened years ago on a remote island in Indonesia, and can not be verified.) Many were promised their healing at the crusade “if they had the faith”. People came in wheelchairs, crutches, or with missing limbs. ALL left the way they came & were told that if they were not healed, it was because of their lack of faith. In so doing, not only did these precious ones have to suffer physically, but were given a guilt trip of not being good or spiritual enough. Even in the midst of that, many YWAMers would say, "Wasn't that a great crusade?” I was appalled & ashamed to be part of such a horrible scam. Many of those attending could have been turned off by God, rather than the man claiming to be his messenger.

I was good friends with the secretary of the base leader. She told me how disgusted she was to type up his Christmas newsletter, making his family sound so poor and asking for financial support. She saw how much money would come in through individuals, as well as organizations & groups he would speak at throughout the world. I have been away from YWAM for 12 years now, yet at least three times a week, I continue to have emotionally suffocating dreams that I am back in the YWAM HNL cult. Many, many times, I continue to forgive those who wronged me & others, but must live with the emotional & spiritual scars that were forced upon me while raping me & others of their individuality and self-esteem.

After leaving this cult, I ran across the base leader’s wife at a grocery store. I had just gotten out of hospital with pneumonia & looked & felt very weak. She asked how I was doing & I told her. She replied, “Oh, you poor thing, having to go get groceries by yourself & not have anyone to help you”. Then she simply walked away… One hears a lot of good teaching and words coming from the mouths of those at YWAM HNL. The message of their lives is a different message. I was told by a trusted priest that “I will probably always have these re-occurring nightmares due to the impact my time at YWAM HNL had had on me”. I was also told by a counselor that on a stress scale of 1-10, 10 being the most severe, my time under YWAM HNL was a 12!

I know of several, who like me left YWAM irreparably hurt & wounded, but who left God behind as well. One young woman, after having been to the same retreat in Colorado that I had been to also had the strength to get out. She remarked to me, “I feel like under the leadership at YWAM Honolulu, I was spiritually gang-banged”! I thought her remarked summed it up quite well. I praise God that I know that HE is my Rock & that my time at YWAM Honolulu was in no way, a reflection of His character or desire. I realize that there are still good people at YWAM bases & there may be other bases that live by godly principles & character. I am sure that these people do lift up Jesus & do well in the world. I just pray that God will separate the wheat from the chaff and purify this group.

I walked past the base the other day as part of my healing & again, prayed forgiveness for those who were far from a reflection of Christ during my time there.

Another horrid example is when a dear woman of God in her mid-60's who'd gone long term to Papua New Guinea returned to Honolulu for a hysterectomy. She had no family in Honolulu when she was hospitalized, or after she had been discharged. After she returned to the YWAM HNL base from hospital, she asked the woman in charge of "hospitality" (whose husband was the most abusive of the base elders) if she could use a comfortable chair from the guest house while she recovered. They actually told her "NO"! She is with the Lord now & I can't even imagine what kind of chair the Father provided for her when she returned Home.

I think a lot of people who have been involved in a cult try to ignore that inner voice that tells them something is awry. They also fear bringing it to light for fear of having been made a fool of, being ostracized by the group or even letting God down.

The only time the Base Leader got in contact with me after having served 12 years on the base, was to inform me that Loren Cunningham (YWAM’s founder) would be speaking at a Friday night service & "wanted to make sure there was a full house" (I have never gone back to a single meeting since I left, though I live about 2 miles from there now). After having served at the base for 12 years, I was not given so much as a doughnut hole in honour of my years of service.
People in authoritative positions at YWAM HNL will pray for you, and often as they "talk to God", they are really saying the things they want YOU to hear in order to manipulate and control you. I once had a base elder say to me, "It is your responsibility to obey us, who have been placed in authority over you-even if you feel what we ask is wrong. We will be held accountable to God for that".

The most important thing is to know what and why you believe as you do. Know what the Bible says, so when false doctrine and attitudes come forth, they will be recognized as not from God.

Many who read this blog who have had anything to do with YWAM will probably jump to the conclusion that I am clinging to a bunch of anger, bitter & unforgiveness. It is just that though one can forgive, one still bears the scars of years of spiritual abuse. Just like one who is scarred from a severe burn, the pain may be gone, but the scar remains.

It's funny how I mostly have non-Christian friends now & how much more real they are than most Christians. I try & share the Gospel when I am able, but do not force feed it to them. So often in the church (or YWAM base), people are afraid to show their humanity & want to show instead, the mask of having it all together. There are very few people I have met and churches I have attended that are truly transparent & on a regular basis, are a reflection of the Jesus of the Bible. As we grow closer to the Saviour, we will naturally show this transparency & Christ-likeness. I have a long way to go.