YWAM's Loss

I have recently been thinking about what a loss to YWAM it is through the years to abuse people and push them out of the organization. We are all individuals with individual personalities and gifts that no one else could fill exactly. When they have put us down & rejected us for whatever reason, they are rejecting those who have been made in God's own image, are unique and are perfect in his sight. Whether we are introvert or extrovert, we were made exactly as God intended. No member of the body is more important than any other from the base director to the person who does yard work all day on base. Anyone who's being involved with YWAM knows that leaders & visiting speakers are put on pedestals. YWAM leaders who wanted to mold us into the image they desired are taking away from our being molded in the image of God that he desired.

Healing and Atheisim

Old Mango Trees along the Makiki Valley Trail

There are now 176 members in the Facebook group I started, “Spiritual Abuse in YWAM”. I have heard so many abuse stories that took place in YWAM. Many have symptoms of PTSD years after getting out. I have been out of YWAM Honolulu since 1995 yet still have nightmares of being back in the cult of abuse & control. The past couple of years, there has finally been some healing with fewer & less dramatic nightmares when I do have them.

Looking back from the time I got out, I didn't see growth and healing in my life on a daily basis but see growth in the process of time. I feel closer to my Lord now than ever in my life. I still don't trust Christians in authority (even though my father was an example of a godly pastor) so do not regularly go to church. Instead, I listen to Christian topics on YouTube while I paint watercolors that I pray reflect the Master Artist.

My closest times with the Lord in fellowship with Him are when I go on my hikes in the Hawaiian rain forest. It is easier to talk to Him there than at home. I am so thankful that I do not need to play by “YWAM rules” to grow in my relationship with Him. I do not need to go through the (copyrighted by Joy Dawson) YWAM steps of intercession to get to the throne of Grace.

I often pray for those who are members of the little Spiritual Abuse in YWAM group, especially those who now consider themselves atheist due to the spiritual harm they experienced during their time with YWAM. I pray God brings some godly examples of Jesus to their lives to show them His love & grace. I know, had I not had examples of godly Christians in my own life (including my parents) before I went into YWAM it would have been easy for me to leave Jesus behind the door when I left YWAM as well. Still, he woos those who have given up on Him back to Himself.

The Miracle of an Apology

It has been 15 plus years since I left YWAM Honolulu.  I never even dared to dream I would get an apology after all of these years from the one who was the most abusive, but it came, just a few days ago:

"I know that this letter is long over due. I am sorry that it has taken me this long to address this issue. In reflection to our interaction on the base so many years ago I realize that I did not treat you the way you should have been treated. I did not value you and  your gifts as God would value these. I am truly sorry for the way I treated you and did not hold you as precious in the sight of God. I did realize that my leadership style was not the way that I should of lead. I did honestly not try to do you any disservice as we were in ywam. I do realize now that I did. I am truly very sorry for our interaction during our time together in Ywam. I hope that you can forgive me. I too want to grow in the Lord and be used as He would use me. If you would like to discuss specific issues that are troubling you I would be open to what ever you would like to discuss."

Here was my response:

Hello,

I did not write back immediately, as I wanted some time to think & pray about what my response should be. I appreciate your apology. I believe it is sincere. I want you to know I have forgiven you many times over the last 15 plus years. I often prayed for you over the years as well. I prayed God would soften your heart & bless you and your family.

I could just say, “I forgive you” and leave it at that, but I think it trivializes the past 15+ years as to the affects of spiritual abuse in my life from my latter-years in YWAM. I feel I need to share the results of the abuse with you. This is not to “punish” or “make you feel bad”, but coming from an honest, broken heart. You were not the only one who was abusive. Some of the council members were abusive, simply by saying nothing.

Whether or not we are spiritually abused, we can do nothing to turn back the clock & make the affects go away, but how we deal with the abuse is our own responsibility.

I have been reading my journals the past few weeks, starting with 1970. I was afraid to read through the YWAM years, but felt I should face my demons with the hope that it would help bring continued healing. I had forgotten that at one time, we were friends. We went coffee picking on Tantalus & would sometimes go for coffee. I also remember bringing your wife some sugar-free chocolates from the chocolate shop I worked at when I heard she had diabetes. It made me wonder what went wrong.

It shocked me, when at the Healing for the Nations (HFTN) retreat, that the base paid over $1,000. to send me to, they actually told me that the leadership at YWAM Honolulu was dysfunctional. One woman in leadership there even laughed while I was there & said, “You don't realize how normal you are”. Being at HFTN made me feel safe in a Christian environment for the first time in my life. I could take the mask off I had had to wear at YWAM to survive & actually experienced unconditional love. This was the body of Christ as God intended. How I hated to leave.

After I got back to the base from the retreat, I was so excited at all God had shown me to share with the base leadership & others on base. Several weeks after I shared with the council members, one of them told me, “You know, all you shared after you got back from the retreat? They didn't buy it”.

My time in YWAM stripped me of all self-esteem and identity. When I left, after crying out to God for years for a way of escape, I felt spiritually & emotionally dead. I had one local pastor ask why I did not just leave years earlier. I told him that I did not feel I had the self-confidence to survive.

A few years after I had left YWAM, I started seeing a counselor to help me deal with my father's impending death from leukemia. I shared a lot of the stuff that went on at YWAM & he told me that “On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the worst, the ordeal I suffered was an 11”.

It wasn't long after I got out, the nightmares of being back in YWAM began. I would have them 2-3 times a week, Some were so vivid, I would feel emotionally drained when I got up. They usually centered around me being back at the base & saying to myself, “After all I went through, after all I now know, how could I have been sucked back in to this cult”?

I also shared the same things with my doctor who is also an Orthodox priest. He told me that due to the affect my time in the group had on my life, I would probably always have those bad dreams.

To this day, the words “YWAM, missions, ministry and even church” give me a knot in my stomach. I was angry at God when I left YWAM for allowing a “Christian” environment to be so abusive. I tried to ask him, “Why Lord”, but there would be no response.

I felt the healing begin when I started speaking out at what happened during my years at YWAM. I started a blog I wrote about it in, but never mentioned names, as that was not my purpose. I started getting responses from people who came across my blog on the internet. Some thought it was awful I could speak against an organization “which was doing so much good”. I also started hearing from people who had been spiritually abused at YWAM Honolulu, as well as other bases around the world. I also heard from mothers who were concerned that their children were considering YWAM and came across my blog.

More than one person told me that after sharing several e-mails with them about my time in YWAM, the information helped keep their child from going to do a DTS & they found a ministry opportunity outside of YWAM. I began to start seeing that God best uses people in situations to minister to people who've been through a similar situation.

I also started a private Facebook group on YWAM Spiritual Abuse where people can share about their experiences with abuse in YWAM & how some of them have been able to experience healing since then. There are now over 20 members, many of whom were with the Honolulu base.

All this time, even now, I do not go to church, though I have my quiet times with the Lord. If God wants me to go to church, He can make it known in His perfect timing. I still associate “Christian” leadership with abuse, and will not put myself in that situation again. The Church after all is the body of Christ, not a physical building.

I have grown a lot in my walk with God since I left YWAM in 1995. Slowly, I have experienced healing & though I still have dreams about being back in YWAM, they do not have the affect on me they once did, nor are they as often.

I sometimes walk past the Honolulu base and pray that that which is of God would multiply and that which is not, will be destroyed.

A year ago at this time, I was battling prostate cancer. I had surgery & went through almost two months of daily radiation, except for weekends. I have told several people that as difficult as this time was in my life, what I went through in YWAM was much worse. The only worse event in my life was dealing with my father's death. During my treatment, I sensed God's presence & while waiting in the waiting room for my daily radiation, used that time to pray silently for other patients waiting for their turn at radiation and/or chemo.

When I told my mother I had cancer her response was, “Now is when you need a church family”. Immediately, I thought to myself, “Why would I want that?” I just associated church with abuse. It may seem strange seeing that my own father was a minister who lived during the week what he preached on Sundays.

I am the happiest now, I have ever been in my life. Not to mean I have “arrived”, or don't have a lot more growth & healing to take place, but I am at peace. I work on my art & photography of God's creation and try & go hiking at least twice a week if the weather cooperates. It is wonderful to talk with the Lord in His creation. I feel closest to Him there & spend time in praise and worship as I hike. I have lived 27 years in Hawai'i and am not in debt. I have much to be thankful for. It is important to focus on what we have to be thankful for and our blessings rather than what we don't have and the “what ifs”.

Back at the HFTN retreat, one of the women who was in leadership there who had a degree in psychology and art saw some samples of my work & told me “You should be doing your art full time. God gives us in life, the gifts He intends us to use. As you are doing your art, it is a form of worship, as you are being who God created you to be.” That was so freeing. I never felt my art work was “spiritual” in YWAM. I am now able to be the individual God created me to be. We are all individuals, not meant to be a carbon copy of someone else's vision or calling.

Our free-will is a precious gift from God, never to be taken from us or given to another person who tell us they are our spiritual authority. When I was in YWAM, I would sometimes hear, “Are YOU questioning MY authority”? Now, I would have the strength to say, “hell, ya'”! Humans are fallible. Only God isn't.

I do not know what God has in store for me, but can trust that even though I often don't understand why things happen as they do, God can make good out of evil and bring growth & healing from pain. He can also use that pain in giving hope & healing to others.

Thank you again for apologizing. I pray God continues to work in your life (and in mine) to make you the man he intended you to be, and that is one with more & more Christ-like attributes.

Aloha ke Akua

The Stench of Legalism

I have not written much about spiritual abuse lately. I have been concentrating on trying to win my battle with prostate cancer. I made a blog about my experience of having tomo radiation for the past 37 days.

I was just on Facebook in another friend's account debating a YWAMmer preaching hell, fire and brimstone with a big dose of legalism vs. living the message of love in 1 Corinthians 13. I did not know this person with whom I was debating, but I certainly recognized the familiar spirit!

There will be a lot of “Christians” going to bed tonight with a head full of biblical doctrine, dos and don'ts who will be using their “ministry” to force the yolk of legalism, hell fire and damnation upon the lost, yet with a heart void of grace & love. I think it is time the Church preaches 1 Corinthians 13 but more importantly, LIVES it.

I know that if my only examples of Christianity were the leadership (not all of them) the 12 years I was in YWAM, I would have walked away from Christ when I left YWAM as well (as I know some did). I know the leaders were not a reflection of His character though. There were a lot of great sermons there, but a complete lack of servant hood.

And who showed most, the character and love of Christ when I had my cancer surgery? The fundamentalist/legalistic brother of mine who feels like only his little church has a corner on Truth, but only wrote a short note before surgery to say they were praying for me and never inquired as to how I was doing or called me after surgery or through radiation? No! My gay brother & his partner who came to care for me the two weeks surrounding my surgery! I will take the love shown through a Believer who may not have it all together (and who does?) over suffocating legalism ANY day!

I would MUCH rather see the Gospel lived out than hear the words coming from one who does not practice it! Anyone can say "God loves you, etc", but to SHOW the love & servant heart of God takes sacrifice and a relationship with Him. I pray I can show more & more of this attribute of the Saviour.

I heard this week, from a former person in leadership at YWAM Honolulu while I was there. It was one I did not know very well, but whom I had not experienced any abuse from. I shared what I had gone through & where I was at now, still healing from over a decade ago of over a decade of ugly spiritual abuse.

I experienced more healing with his words which also shared a broken view of leadership at YWAM while I was there as well as a lack of grace. He had also shared things that had gone on in his life after YWAM in Christian community, failures & decisions people did not agree with & so turned their backs on him. Again, so often the Church will “love” us if we do, say and are like we perceive who they want us to be. Praise Jesus, He accepts us right where we're at.

Our conversation began when I posted that I was going to watch the DVD on Lonnie Frisbee: Lonnie Frisbee, The Life and Death of a Hippie Preacher. It shared how if it were not for Lonnie Frisbee, there would probably be no Calvary Chapel or Vineyard denominations but due to Lonnie's struggles, they have wiped him out of their history.

Unfortunately, I think how Calvary Chapel and the Vineyard treated Lonnie is all too typical of the Church. I think that a lot of spiritual leaders don't realize they too live in glass houses as they throw stones of condemnation at those who are not like them and struggle with sins they evidently feel the blood of Christ can not cover. It makes those who struggle with sin (and that includes ALL of us) feel that we are not wanted by God, much less His church.

I liked how Lonnie was heard saying to Christians, “Take your free will back!” I felt the 12 years I was in YWAM I gave up my priceless gift of free will to the leaders. Man tries all too often to try & force us to wear the yolk of sinless perfection and legalism while God can and does use us right where we're at, in spite of our weakness, frailty and shortcomings. God's yolk is light while man's is crushing.

The longer I have been away from YWAM there is even a stronger stench to legalism. The one who has not experienced much grace himself shows little grace towards others...

I've Learned to Truly Live

I had a dear friend, Carter while I was going through the last of the abuse at YWAM Honolulu who came from Idaho, like me. Back then, he was in his early 20s, but amazed me, at his age, how much he reflected the true character of Jesus and spiritually mature he was. He was truly a Godsend! He gave me hope that there were Christians who truly lived a godly life and had character. He was full of compassion and kindness to me when I needed it most.

I tried to contact this friend at the last address I knew, but my letters were not getting though. He had moved. I prayed that God would bring him to me, and God was faithful after not knowing his whereabouts for over ten years.

He was asked to leave the YWAM Honolulu base due to false accusations (but eventually allowed to stay). He had some very difficult experiences growing up which God used in his life to give him a heart for those hurting and assist them in the healing process.

When we spoke of others who had been abused at YWAM, he said:

"My anger rises every time I saw and continue to see those broken and wounded with no one to help and no one to lift them up. I hate watching burdens getting piled on the broken and weary by those who should be helping.'

This is an attitude all who claim to know Christ should have! I directed Carter to my blog and suggested that as an author and professional musician, he might want to write a song about those who are spiritually abused. By the next morning, God had given him a song I hope to share on this blog at a later time.

Today, he had written a poem on the same topic he said I could share here:

I Truly Live
Carter L. Shepard

I’m more than a survivor,
I’ve truly learned to live.
I am more than a conqueror,
For now I truly believe.
I am more than healed of blindness,
For I now truly see.
I am healed of more than being lame,
I now run tirelessly.
I’ve been healed of more than deafness,
For now I truly hear.
My mind has been more than renewed,
My vision is now completely clear.
I’ve been more than just healed my Lord,
You’ve taught me how to heal.
My soul has been more than restored,
For I now truly feel.
I am more than freed from slavery,
I’ve learned to truly serve.
The glorious gift you gave me God,
Is more than I deserve.
You’ve healed more than my broken heart,
I’ve learned to truly love.
You’ve more than simply raised me up,
Like an eagle I now soar above.
I’ve been more than forgiven,
You’ve taught me to forgive.
I’m now more than just redeemed,
Jesus now I truly live.

©Copyright 2009 Carter L Shepard and Men of Valor Ministries

When Life is Broken

Ducklings at the Honolulu zoo

Often as I walk down Manoa road from where I live in the back of Manoa valley I see a little dog that has been there for years. I recently noticed as I was walking by that as he used his front paws to pull himself along, his hind legs were paralyzed. I noticed people would stop and give affection to & pet this little dog.

Not long after that, I noticed another man, not a block from the other who was walking two dogs. One of them had one of his front legs missing, so it hopped along to keep up with the other dog & his master. Both people who owned these disabled dogs loved them enough not to have them put down, but still saw value and companionship in them.

It made me think of how precious we all are in God’s eyes. Even those who may not be lovely in the eyes of others and might otherwise be cast off are still loved and cherished by God.

Last week, as I was walking to Lyon Arboretum, I walked across a bridge over a small stream where I always see several ducks lounging in the water or along its banks. This time, I saw a lone, young duckling which was about two weeks old.

There was an elderly woman in a robe with curlers and a scarf on her head at the top of the embankment. She was throwing bread crumbs down to the duckling. When I first started talking to her, she was a bit aloof, but soon warmed up to me. She told me that she counted 13 ducklings after they first hatched, but once they hatched the mother quickly abandoned them.

Mongooses were brought to Hawai'i to try & control the rat problem only to discover that rats are nocturnal while mongooses are active during the day. This meant that rats were not the main source of food for the mongooses but instead became small birds. More than likely, most of the small ducklings that had disappeared were a snack for the mongooses. The elderly woman told me she had seen a mongoose grab a live bird in her yard and run off with it.

The elderly woman caring for the young duckling abandoned by its mother reminded me of how in a perfect world a child’s parents should be caring for him or her. A person in spiritual authority should be one who encourages their flock in the ways of God & should also be a good example. When we are void of godly parental or spiritual examples in our lives, God often brings encouragement from other sources in His perfect timing.

Yesterday, I was given the diagnosis of prostate cancer. I don’t think it has sunk in & I kind of feel numb about it. I shared this news with several people who I felt would care about what I am going through.

It is funny how you never know how people might react to this news (including myself). Of course many Christian friends told me they are praying for me and shared bible verses with me. I know they mean well, and I know God is in this even if I don’t know where. My father died of leukemia 6 years ago and had been a pastor who loved & served God. He was the same man at home as he was behind the pulpit. I always thought that in times of tragedy one would feel God’s comforting presence in the midst of the pain. This was not the case in my father’s illness & death.

Many people prayed for my father for healing, yet healing never came & he succumbed to the disease. Another acquaintance of mine died of cancer recently that had an army of prayer support. When people say they are praying for me, it is of little comfort because of this track record. I do not know where this road will lead. All I can do is try & commit it to God & take one day at a time. I think it is important to be real and not put on a mask that every day is a Jesus day.

My brother in Chicago offered to fly me there & have treatment but there are no facilities there my insurance would cover. Other friends have told me to let them know if there is anything they can do. I have no family living in Hawai’i.

A friend who does not claim to be a Christian, but is like a brother to me lives in Canada and offered to drop everything and fly to Honolulu & be with me should I opt for surgery or just need support. We first became pen pals while he was living in Brazil over ten years ago. Part of his e-mail address is “fiel”. Fiel is Portuguese for “faithful”. He has proven to be a faithful friend and shown unconditional love so many times over the years. He has literally been a godsend in my life.

I also got a call from a lesbian acquaintance of mine who said she would be here for me no matter what I need. She offered to pick me up & take me to appointments & be with me in the doctor’s office if I wanted her to be. She also said that if she did not hear from me, she would be calling back anyway and that I am not to be a lone ranger in this. This is commitment, putting actions to their words.

I also heard from a friend (who I shared my illness with yesterday) today who said, “I kept feeling anxious about not having any travel plans to a warm destination for my spring break, so I went ahead and booked a flight on United to San Diego…” If only all I had to feel anxious about was where to take a vacation…

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep". Romans 12:15