YWAM and a Poverty Mentality

Someone recently asked about the "poverty mentality" in YWAM. Here is what I told her:

Since people who join YWAM need to raise support from individuals & churches, it is hard to raise enough money to be able to live comfortably, have money for daily needs, health insurance & save for the future & retirement. There are a few who go into YWAM from wealthy backgrounds or have huge monthly financial support from large churches.

Many of those who go into YWAM have a scholarship from a third world country which usually means they have enough for airfare & their school fees, but not much else. Once they finish their schools & stay on school or base staff, they have nothing!

Even though most people in YWAM would be in the legal definition of poverty, you are told to “trust God” for finances. Most are not allowed to get even a part-time job off base to make a little money to survive. This can mean that your staff fees carry over to the next month & the next, so by the time you want to leave, you are in debt to YWAM for thousands of dollars that they expect you to pay them once you move on.

There is the YWAM elite who are charismatic speakers & whose airfares are paid to fly to bases around the world to speak as well as given an honorarium. Many of these speakers also write books that they sell on YWAM bases and elsewhere. Most people in YWAM have little or no way to raise extra money and have little set aside for emergencies.

Also realize there is pressure on staff and students to dig deep financially to help out those who can not pay off their school fees.

 

Memories of Being in YWAM

This is from my journal, 2 1/2 years before I left YWAM. I felt pretty much like this until I got out! I just had to wear a mask for survival! I have healed soooo much! ❤️

Meet Matt

Here I am with my friend Matt (who's with the Lord now, due to a stroke) ministering to Aboriginals at Kings Cross on the Summer of Missions we led in Sydney, Australia. We never thought they'd let us lead an outreach because of how we liked to fool around & have fun on base & looked for ways to skip intercession.

With Matt, what you saw is what you got. He loved the Lord but hated the politics & legalism of YWAM & spoke his mind.
 
Matt had his vices he never seemed to be able to overcome but through it all, loved Jesus.
I respected Matt, in spite of his struggles unlike leadership in YWAM who liked to come across as having it all together. Matt was transparent with me about his struggles & I with Matt.

Matt used to get excited about things & say, “This is REALLY livin'!”. I can just imagine Matt walking the streets of gold in heaven & shouting out, “This is REALLY livin'.”!

Is YWAM A Cult Podcast

Listen to the first in a series on exposing YWAM as a cult:

Click HERE to listen!

Buttons

When I was about 10, my parents had a birthday party for me. Several children came & brought presents. After the party, I gathered up all the gifts, gave them to my older brother Tom & said, “Here, I don't want this junk! I want a puppy!”. It wasn't long after that that my parents relented & bought our first family dog, Buttons.

Buttons was a friendly dog & would even smile when you would talk to her. We had a postman that would carry his bag of mail with him & give Buttons a ride in his bag around the block. Buttons likes the postman & would smile and sneeze when she would see him coming, happy to see him.

One day, there was a new postman. Buttons smiled as usual, but the new postman took it as a snarl or threat & kicked Buttons. Buttons would never trust a postman again & would bark & get agitated if she saw one, or even a mail truck.

I believe that most of the victims of abuse in YWAM were like Buttons in the beginning of our YWAM experience. We looked upon the leaders as safe & approachable since they were in the “service of the Lord”!

When we were suddenly abused by one or more in leadership, it took away our faith & trust in leaders. For a lot of us, there may always be distrust when is comes to men & women who are in spiritual leadership positions.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

I have often heard it asked, “What is spiritual abuse?” Here is my answer:


Spiritual abuse can mean many different things to different people. It usually has to do with control and manipulation. It is causing you to doubt yourself when you are aware that something is not right, making YOU the problem rather than an issue you think needs addressing or not treating everyone as equals in a school or base. Control of relationships when people are adults and not in sinful behavior. Speaking for God so you can not question them, for then you are questioning God. Trying to coerce you into what you should do with your life whether you feel you have that calling or not. Telling you that you do not need a university education to do the Lord's work, so you should forgo college & stay in YWAM. There is a LOT to it. It is not a small box that either one fits in or doesn't. Each person who's been spiritually abused might give a different definition as to what it is.

The YWAM Experience:

If you are thinking of joining YWAM, PLEASE watch this video first!

Free to be Me

 In YWAM, we are often guilt-ed into going long-term as missionaries to a far off country. We are led to believe that that is the highest calling in life & that we do not need an education or skill but just to "obey the Great Commission and GO!".

Those put up on the highest pedestal on base were those who were coming through on furlough from a place like India or Pakistan or even Japan. Those who felt called to be on base staff & do yard work or work in the kitchen were often overlooked as they did their job daily since it was not "spiritual".

We are all individuals & have our own giftings & callings which may or may not fit into YWAM's vision for the world. I remember feeling guilty because I did not think my gift of art was "spiritual" (even though I put together tracts, book covers, T-shirts & other printed materials on base).

I am FREE of that now. I know that when I sit & paint, I am using the gift God gave me & it doesn't need to be something with a religious theme! I am worshiping God when I go on my hikes & spend time in His creation. I am simply being me & that is all that is expected of me. How freeing it was when I realized I did not have to be an evangelist. I have always hated public speaking & hated when YWAM would try & force me to give my testimony at an open air (I never did).

How good it is to just love Jesus and not feel compelled to do something to gain his grace & love but just be me.

From Religion to Relationship

I think the abuse and false doctrines in YWAM were the catalyst that helped purge me of a lot of the religion & led me into a deeper relationship with God. 

Now when I pray, read the Bible or listen to Christian teachings on YouTube, it is because I want to rather than what is forced upon me. I remember how spiritually dead those times of intercession were when the clock seemed to stop.

Now, I spend more than an hour in prayer on my hikes and enjoy doing it. 

Back in YWAM, when we were told we must pray for Muslims, my heart wasn't into it (not that I didn't care about Muslims). Since then, I have made several Muslim friends and pray for them as well on my hikes.

I don't think God was impressed with those dead intercessions when a lot of the people there would have rather been elsewhere as their minds wandered. I think on those mandatory fast days, Jesus would have been with those who would sneak off to McDonald's as well rather than fast with the pious. 

Once, the base director made intercession optional- until he was the ONLY person that showed up for it, so he made it mandatory again.

My relationship with the Lord is based on his love & grace, not the law that YWAM tried to impose on the people.

Laundry Ministry

I just came back from talking to my largest YWAM audience ever! I never talked to that many "heathens" whilst in YWAM. Anyway, I was doing laundry in Manoa where single staff & students have to do their laundry from YWAM Honolulu. I saw a group of 12-15 of them & knew instantly they were with YWAM. (When I was in YWAM one of the perks of the married families was to be able to do their laundry on base.) I saw two girls put at least 10 loads of laundry in a dryer designed for 2 & put in .25 cents, as if they would dry in 6 minutes! I then asked if they were with YWAM, which they confirmed they were. I was surprised that they didn't ask me how I knew or why I would ask. I then told them it would take hours for their laundry to dry with that much in there. 

I was about to leave & my heart started beating faster as I knew I could not miss this opportunity to "testify" to this large group from YWAM. They were sitting down on benches by the door. I walked up to them all and announced, "Have any of you ever googled YWAM abuse or YWAM cult"? It was suddenly very quiet. 2 in the group said that they had done that. One asked me if I had written the blog about abuse in YWAM. I responded, "Which one? There are many!" 

I then told them that I had been at YWAM Honolulu for 12 years and that I has started a FB group about spiritual abuse in YWAM and that there were now over 300 members. I told them that there were a lot of the same stories from bases around the world that experienced abuse. Most were committed by leaders whose heads got too big and would manipulate by saying things like, "God told me to tell you" and "Are you questioning my authority"? I said that the Bible says if someone makes even one prophecy that does not come true, they are not of God. 

One of the young women with blond & pink hair said, "There are abusive people in churches too!" I agreed with her. I told her that is why whenever someone tells you doctrine or makes demands that are not biblical, you are not to accept it. I also shared that there are a lot of young Christians in YWAM who equate God as having the same attributes as YWAM leaders & loose their faith in God as a result. 

I told them that I knew there were some good people in YWAM and there might even be some good bases, though there were none that I knew of for certain that were spiritually healthy. 

I said that in openess & brokeness they want you to confess publicly your past sins- even though they have already been forgiven and washed in the blood of Christ! I told them that often times, those you confess past sins to will hold it against you as if you are still involved in those sins. 

I mentioned how several times I had heard, "Are you questioning MY authority?!!" I told them they have every right to question someone's authority! I said that when I share the gospel with people, I tell them not to take my word for it but look up what I have said for themselves & see if it is true. I brought up the steps to intercession & how dead they were & often people would be shamed into "getting some kind of word from the Lord" and that often times the things there were brought up was just crazy talk. I told them I didn't expect anyone to admit to it, but I was sure there was someone there who hated intercession! 

I shared how I offered to lead a time of intercession once to pray for Russia but was told I couldn't, as the base was not called to Russia (even though they sent a team there about a year later). I also told them how I was involved in a ministry to Mormons on base but the other leaders told the leaders who headed the ministry that the base was not called to Mormon ministry so forbade them to continue it! 

I mentioned to them that there could be someone in their group right now who feels oppressed & abused & wonders what is wrong with them. I said I used to feel that way because I trusted "Christian" authority too much at the time but ended leaving YWAM spiritually & emotionally dead! 
 I also said I had healed a lot since then but still have nightmares of being back in YWAM. 

This whole time they listened intently and said nothing! I said that there may be people there who have a great YWAM experience & how I hoped that that would be the case. 

Though maybe none of them agreed with me, I know I still planted seeds & when it happens, they will remember the "crazy man" who insinuated that YWAM is a cult. 

Finally, I thanked them for hearing me out & for not stoning me & left to a, "Have a nice day"...

Trapped in YWAM

Many people in YWAM are not truly happy & want out. I was in YWAM for years calling out to God to deliver me from that place. I did not have any self-esteem left or think I could make it out in the real world. Finally, after 12 years, circumstances allowed me to leave. People are around leaders who constantly affirm people that they are fulfilling God's highest calling. If one wonders about the future, retirement etc., they are told to "just trust God". I believe in trusting God, but God also gives us our minds he expects us to use. Young people do not realize how 5-10 years of life will FLY by! Most in YWAM are doing nothing about retirement & health insurance. Most YWAMers have little to no savings & might even be in debt to YWAM for base fees, etc. If they are not much use to a base, they will tell them they have to leave to pay off their fees or get a part-time job to do it. If they do something on base that benefits the base such as accounting, they will just let what they owe accrue. If one plans to marry one day, how will a man support his wife & possible family in YWAM? Does he have any marketable skills in the real world to make a living? Most don't & they know if they go into the real world to look for work, they will not find a decent-paying job. As they get older, the fear of making it in the real world increases with lack of employable skills.

Loving a Lost Mormon

Woman in temple clothing inside a Mormon Temple

I had a pre-planned phone call with a friend I met whilst in YWAM on a ministry trip to the Mormons at the temple opening in Taipei, Taiwan. I went with a small group of others who had a heart for Mormons to pass out tracts in Mandarin Chinese at the temple open house to those who were attending so they could know exactly what happens in the temple that the guides & missionaries won't tell them. They will never know, even years after being members of the Mormon church what goes on in the temple unless they go themselves as they are not allowed to discuss it outside of the temple. This was before you could just google it & discover via video or word for word text what happens.

The one thing I did appreciate in my early years in YWAM was that one of the leadership couples were involved in a ministry to Mormons & the wife had come out of Mormonism to Christ. I moved to Hawaii from very Mormon Idaho, so already had a heart for Mormons when I met them. Unfortunately, the other leaders told this couple that a ministry to Mormons was NOT part of YWAM Honolulu's calling (as if we are not called to ALL unbelievers) so they were pushed out! After they left, the abuse in YWAM Honolulu intensified!

Anyway we met Amy, a young Mormon missionary from Salt Lake City, Utah who was inquisitive about what we had to share & our motive for being there. She was told not to talk to us as the Taiwanese might think that we could be Mormon missionaries as well. She did not do what she was told & we became friends. The next few years, she came (still a Mormon) to stay at the Honolulu YWAM base to spend time with me. She also visited me when I was in Oregon to visit my family & when I was in Idaho visiting friends. I visited her a few times in Salt Lake. Several of us from YWAM went to an Ex-Mormons for Jesus conference in Salt Lake & stayed with her devout Mormon family. The difference in our beliefs did not hurt our friendship. How many professing Christians would have open up their homes to people attending a conference that was anti-Christian?

So as often happens in life, we lost contact for at least a decade. She became a lawyer in LA but due to medical problems, had to quit working. I have prayed for Amy almost every day since we met that she would put her trust in Jesus alone.

I was a bit apprehensive about talking to her again after all this time. I didn't need to worry. The connection was instant. She told me she had gotten married, had gone on another Mormon mission with her husband to Germany & had settled in Salt Lake. She also shared that her marriage was not what she'd dreamed it would be. Most of our lives are not what we envisioned as youth.

I was transparent with her about YWAM and the spiritual & emotional abuse that I experienced there, mostly after we had met. She told me how hurt she was by some of the Christians (from YWAM) who she felt passed judgement on her for being Mormon. Not all showed her unconditional love. It was a great visit for close to two hours! Neither of us judged one another or came across as better than the other or came across as disappointed that we did not eventually come over to the other's side.

We discussed how we could both tell when we were talking with someone whether they were speaking out of love, pride, superiority or whatever. I shared how I do not discuss politics or religion, for the most part on my personal FB page as I have friends who are atheist, Christian, Mormon, Buddhist, Hindu & others. I also have friends who are way left & way right in the political spectrum. I have never noticed in a political or religious argument where one side goes to the other. I have found instead that there are hurt feelings & lost relationships as well as feelings of superiority.

I told Amy that I still have a love for Mormons & belong to FB groups where both mainline Christians & Mormons are members & discuss theological issues. If there is bashing in them, the offending members are banned. Every now & then, someone will get on their high horse (from BOTH) sides and come across holier than though. That attitude NEVER gets any converts!

If you think you can intimidate people to believing a certain way, you are mistaken. Just because someone believes the total opposite of what you or I believe does not mean they are any less valuable as a person or that they are not worthy of love & respect. This does not mean you have to agree with their beliefs or values but should all be adult enough to treat one other with kindness & respect.

Each person's YWAM experience & story of abuse was real to them and personal. We are all individuals & if someone says they were abused, we need to accept that they are coming from an honest place, even if we can not get behind their skin & truly understand them. How many things in our own lives do we not understand? How can we think we can fully understand one another? We ALL want to be heard & understood. Often, we are thinking about our responses rather than trying to hear & understand what is being communicated in an argument or discussion.

We are ALL products of a series of events & people in our lives that make us who we are, believe & act the way we do, be it positive or negative.

We are ALL broken people. Some are just better at wearing masks than others.

PS: When a post looks strange, it is because I could not change the color of the font or background.

Intimidated into Silence

A friend on Facebook asked that I tell another group on FB my experience of YWAM. I was happy to do so.

Recently, a member of the recovery from YWAM abuse group I started said that she is being intimidated in removing her blog exposing YWAM that she wrote about. The person went to far as to call her parents to see if they could persuade her to take the blog down. This woman is an an adult, not a child. In the end, she would not take it down.

Here is what I told the group:

"YWAM is indeed a cult. Unfortunately, I know this from spending 12 years with YWAM Honolulu. Mostly young people join YWAM wanting to serve the Lord & put their leaders up on pedestals as spiritually superior to themselves. The leaders feed into this notion by how they usually act in public meetings & are often good at speaking on evangelism.

There is much manipulation at YWAM to imply something is God's will for you. I often heard, "God told me to tell you..." I have a direct line to the Throne of Grace, the Lord could easily tell me himself. They have what they call "Principles for Effective Intercession". http://www.prayerforallpeople.com/p4ei.html At the end of going through these steps, sitting in a group, you wait on God to "get a word from the Lord". Then, you go around the group & people say, "What did you get?". People are embarrassed to say, "nothing", so usually have something to say. One person might get, "A red bicycle". Another may get "Taiwan". This may lead the group to then pray for an anonymous person in Taiwan on a bicycle that needs help. One time, a person who'd immigrated from Russia to Australia was in the group. Someone "got from the Lord" to pray for her relatives still in Russia. She told him, "I don't have ANY left in Russia"- but we prayed for them anyway! The steps to get to the throne of Grace seemed more like an incantation & the whole thing New Age.

Intercession was mandatory three times a week. One time the base leader said he wanted to make it optional. The very next intercession time, only he showed up for it so they were immediately made mandatory again.

There was mandatory fasting the first Friday of the month & often on those days you could see many other fellow YWAMers at the nearby McDonald's. They sometimes had mandatory 24-hour prayer chains as well. Your hour spot may have been from 3-4 am. I am ALL for prayer but prayer because it is mandatory is not pleasing to the Lord. It must come from the heart!

One of the leaders told me, "It is your job to OBEY the leaders- even if you think it is wrong! If it is, we are the ones who will be held accountable!" Another leader would get in your face & say, "Are YOU questioning MY authority?!!" We were often told we needed to "give up our rights". In saying that though, it was not to submit to God but to submit to the leaders.

There were often prophetic words from the Lord in meetings that never came true. Of course when the prophecies turned out to be false, it was never mentioned.

My entire 12 years in YWAM, I know of not ONE person who came to a saving relationship with Jesus through me or anyone else (my job on base was mostly graphics) that I can think of. Of course there may have been some, but I know of none.

A few years ago I started a group on Facebook for spiritually abused victims of YWAM. There are now 193 members who experienced similar stories of abuse all over the globe. Many are now atheist or agnostic. Many left God behind when they mistakenly saw YWAM leaders to be an example of God's character. One of the leaders at the Honolulu base when I was there is even a militant atheist now. The group has been very helpful in promoting healing & to let these people know they are not alone. There is another group for people who were in YWAM who are now atheist. Since I am not in that category, I do not belong to that. I have grown in my relationship with the Lord much more since leaving than I did the 12 years I was in YWAM & left feeling emotionally & spiritually dead inside. Still, I mistrust anyone in spiritual authority. I have healed a lot, but the scars run deep.

Several people in the group have written letters to Loren Cunningham to share their abuse stories with no response. One even met with him personally, but nothing changed.

People who join YWAM (usually in their late teens or early 20's) after their Discipleship Training School, which everyone must first take when joining the group are then told they do not need to go off to college or find a full-time secular job. They are encouraged to go on school or base staff. There, most will be for years living in poverty & not having the monies for basic needs, especially if from the third world. The ones who are charismatic leaders, good at speaking & writing books go on the YWAM speaking circuit & their traveling expenses are paid to go speak all over the world as well as given "love offerings" at every place they speak. There were times when base staff asked to use a base car for a doctor's appointment & were denied. The leadership's actions showed they did not care for the sheep.

I was close friends with the secretary of the base director at the time. She told me she was so mad because she typed up his support letter asking people for financial support & sounded in need when in reality, she would take care of the monies that would come in from his speaking & books & know how much he had. It wasn't long before he & his wife bought a home in Honolulu where the average price is about $800,000.

People in the group I started, as well as myself have been verbally attacked & accused of being of the devil & just bitter to try & silence our voices of sharing first hand, the damage YWAM can do.

There was mandatory fasting the first Friday of the month & often on those days you could see many other fellow YWAMers at the nearby McDonald's. They sometimes had mandatory 24-hour prayer chains as well. Your hour spot may have been from 3-4 am. I am ALL for prayer but prayer because it is mandatory is not pleasing to the Lord. It must come from the heart! monies for basic needs, especially if from the third world. The ones who are charismatic leaders, good at speaking & writing books go on the YWAM speaking circuit & their traveling expenses are paid to go speak all over the world as well as given "love offerings" at every place they speak. There were times when base staff asked to use a base car for a doctor's appointment & were denied. The leadership's actions showed they did not care for the sheep. I was close friends with the secretary of the base director at the time. She told me she was so mad because she typed up his support letter asking people for financial support & sounded in need when in reality, she would take care of the monies that would come in from his speaking & books & know how much he had. It wasn't long before he & his wife bought a home in Honolulu where the average price is about $800,000.

People in the group I started, as well as myself have been verbally attacked & accused of being of the devil & just bitter to try & silence our voices of sharing first hand, the damage YWAM can do."

Motivation

Will YWAM leaders ever realize that love & joy are more motivating than guilt, shame, fear & control?

How one Feels in YWAM

As soon as I saw this sculpture, I related to it immediately as to how I felt in YWAM, empty & hopeless. It's strange how people are volunteers at YWAM but more is expected of them & their personal life is YWAM's business when there is usually less micro-managing at a real, paying job. A life in YWAM is a wasted life.

Peter Pan Syndrome

I was thinking recently that a lot of people who are in YWAM may have the Peter Pan Syndrome. Socially immature persons in their 30's or so who like to enjoy themselves, like teenagers without responsibility. They may want to avoid a serious job or relationship. They are people who are scared of & don't want to grow up. They want to have adventure & fun. They do not want to loose that sense of comfort.

The 12 years I was in YWAM, even though I was obviously growing older, each new school would mostly have students from their late teens to early twenties, so I was around young people all the time & it did not seem like I was growing older since the new recruits usually weren't. There were students who admitted that they came to YWAM Honolulu for the surfing, not evangelism.

After several years of this one suddenly wonders where the years flew & have nothing but stamps in their passport to show for it. You then realize you have little financially or any marketable skill in the real world.

YWAM's Loss

I have recently been thinking about what a loss to YWAM it is through the years to abuse people and push them out of the organization. We are all individuals with individual personalities and gifts that no one else could fill exactly. When they have put us down & rejected us for whatever reason, they are rejecting those who have been made in God's own image, are unique and are perfect in his sight. Whether we are introvert or extrovert, we were made exactly as God intended. No member of the body is more important than any other from the base director to the person who does yard work all day on base. Anyone who's being involved with YWAM knows that leaders & visiting speakers are put on pedestals. YWAM leaders who wanted to mold us into the image they desired are taking away from our being molded in the image of God that he desired.