Is YWAM A Cult Podcast

Listen to the first in a series on exposing YWAM as a cult:

Click HERE to listen!

Buttons

When I was about 10, my parents had a birthday party for me. Several children came & brought presents. After the party, I gathered up all the gifts, gave them to my older brother Tom & said, “Here, I don't want this junk! I want a puppy!”. It wasn't long after that that my parents relented & bought our first family dog, Buttons.

Buttons was a friendly dog & would even smile when you would talk to her. We had a postman that would carry his bag of mail with him & give Buttons a ride in his bag around the block. Buttons likes the postman & would smile and sneeze when she would see him coming, happy to see him.

One day, there was a new postman. Buttons smiled as usual, but the new postman took it as a snarl or threat & kicked Buttons. Buttons would never trust a postman again & would bark & get agitated if she saw one, or even a mail truck.

I believe that most of the victims of abuse in YWAM were like Buttons in the beginning of our YWAM experience. We looked upon the leaders as safe & approachable since they were in the “service of the Lord”!

When we were suddenly abused by one or more in leadership, it took away our faith & trust in leaders. For a lot of us, there may always be distrust when is comes to men & women who are in spiritual leadership positions.

Another Good Blog Exposing YWAM Abuse

CLICK ON LINK BELOW:
https://ryanespringer.blogspot.com/2019/11/culty-is-as-culty-does.html

What is Spiritual Abuse?

I have often heard it asked, “What is spiritual abuse?” Here is my answer:


Spiritual abuse can mean many different things to different people. It usually has to do with control and manipulation. It is causing you to doubt yourself when you are aware that something is not right, making YOU the problem rather than an issue you think needs addressing or not treating everyone as equals in a school or base. Control of relationships when people are adults and not in sinful behavior. Speaking for God so you can not question them, for then you are questioning God. Trying to coerce you into what you should do with your life whether you feel you have that calling or not. Telling you that you do not need a university education to do the Lord's work, so you should forgo college & stay in YWAM. There is a LOT to it. It is not a small box that either one fits in or doesn't. Each person who's been spiritually abused might give a different definition as to what it is.

What is a YWAM NIKO Course?

Thinking of doing a Nico camp with YWAM?  Read what the experience is like before you decide:

Autumn

My family and I are Americans living in France.

YWAM NIKO Urban Paris

The TLDR is this, we made our YWAM DTS students homeless on the streets of Paris for 3 days.


In telling you all this I am breaking my "vow" to never share what happens in a NIKO camp. Ridiculous. I say "YWAM" but technically this is facilitated through "Kings Kids," a sister organization to YWAM. Whatever the case this was standard for all of our DTSes, including a Crossroads DTS that had elderly students.


I participated 2x as staff and it's one of my biggest regrets, that I was so brainwashed I not only felt this was acceptable but actually beneficial for my students. We begin by telling them to only bring their Bible, good shoes, and warm clothes. The whole thing is shrouded in secrecy.


We show up to a basement, cave, in Paris and have prayer and worship. They are given the "choice" to participate. A line is drawn and they are asked to cross it if they are to continue. This is hideous because absolutely NO ONE knows what it is they are agreeing to. They are given plastic shopping bags from a very low priced french grocery store and told to put everything they will "need" into the bags. Many regret putting anything in the bags at all. Then we take them into a park as it gets late in a very bad neighborhood of Paris, and play team building games while drunks and drug dealers cheer us on. Then they are told to get everything they will need to sleep. With no further explanation. People scatter into the streets gathering cardboard, trash, once they even found an abandoned mattress. After this we take them to an abandoned railroad track near a bridge where they all sleep for the night. After some time we give them army issue sleeping bags. "See guys we will take care of you, trust us." No one believes this is really happening. Anger and tears all around as we go off for a staff meeting. It's fall so its rainy and around 36-40 degrees.


The next day they are marched through the city with various spurts of running and the Paris monuments are pointed out. Again no explanation is given as to what or why this is happening. The staff call it the death march. It's 26 miles (42km), the length of a marathon. It takes all day even up until midnight. Those grocery bags with their belongings are like torture devices at this point and gradually begin to tear a part and items are discarded. The students suffer because they aren't prepared whereas the staff have been working out for months to get ready for this one day. Many former students still suffer from this. One girl lost her toenails, they never grew back right. Another now has arthritis in her knees, she's in her 20s. They failed to obey the "bring good shoes" rule. So it's "their fault." That night to everyone's delight they sleep in the cave. Paris caves are little better than the outside. But at least everyone feels safer.


The next day we have a rigged lottery where staff draws "Bs" and students draw "As" out of a hat. The Bs get a lavish french breakfast and the As eat stale baguette (rock hard) out of a trash bag with water. This is to illustrate unfair privilege. Later that day we take them to a notorious train station to "talk" to people. Homeless people and drug dealers. Extremely dangerous. For lunch they have to panhandle in an outdoor market and aren't allowed to tell the people why or what they are doing. Just that they need food for lunch and have no money. Sometimes they're given discarded food, sometimes money. Often they are berated by angry tourists for being penniless Americans in Paris. Because they can't speak French they have to beg in pantomime or ask tourists.


That night we feed them spaghetti. The next morning it's stale baguette again and they are taken into an abandoned railway tunnel where you can not see anything and asked to run through it on "faith." Many fall and get injured. Then they have to scale a 20 foot fence. Or go back through the tunnel. Of course many fail and have to go back through the mile long pitch black tunnel. Then we debrief. Any complaints are met with stern beratement from the staff about them not appreciating this valuable lesson. Of course those who think it was all wonderful are highly praised.


We take them for showers. Everyone is SO EXCITED until they realize they are showering in a homeless shelter with other homeless men and women. Again lots of confusion as to why 18-22 year old Americans are showering with French homeless people. It's done and everyone is taken to Chinese food for "graduation." They are given diplomas and attaboys. Told they are to swear an oath to never tell anyone about NIKO, even their families. Then we take them back to the base.

The YWAM Experience:

If you are thinking of joining YWAM, PLEASE watch this video first!

Laundry Ministry

I just came back from talking to my largest YWAM audience ever! I never talked to that many "heathens" whilst in YWAM. Anyway, I was doing laundry in Manoa where single staff & students have to do their laundry from YWAM Honolulu. I saw a group of 12-15 of them & knew instantly they were with YWAM. (When I was in YWAM one of the perks of the married families was to be able to do their laundry on base.) I saw two girls put at least 10 loads of laundry in a dryer designed for 2 & put in .25 cents, as if they would dry in 6 minutes! I then asked if they were with YWAM, which they confirmed they were. I was surprised that they didn't ask me how I knew or why I would ask. I then told them it would take hours for their laundry to dry with that much in there. 

I was about to leave & my heart started beating faster as I knew I could not miss this opportunity to "testify" to this large group from YWAM. They were sitting down on benches by the door. I walked up to them all and announced, "Have any of you ever googled YWAM abuse or YWAM cult"? It was suddenly very quiet. 2 in the group said that they had done that. One asked me if I had written the blog about abuse in YWAM. I responded, "Which one? There are many!" 

I then told them that I had been at YWAM Honolulu for 12 years and that I has started a FB group about spiritual abuse in YWAM and that there were now over 300 members. I told them that there were a lot of the same stories from bases around the world that experienced abuse. Most were committed by leaders whose heads got too big and would manipulate by saying things like, "God told me to tell you" and "Are you questioning my authority"? I said that the Bible says if someone makes even one prophecy that does not come true, they are not of God. 

One of the young women with blond & pink hair said, "There are abusive people in churches too!" I agreed with her. I told her that is why whenever someone tells you doctrine or makes demands that are not biblical, you are not to accept it. I also shared that there are a lot of young Christians in YWAM who equate God as having the same attributes as YWAM leaders & loose their faith in God as a result. 

I told them that I knew there were some good people in YWAM and there might even be some good bases, though there were none that I knew of for certain that were spiritually healthy. 

I said that in openess & brokeness they want you to confess publicly your past sins- even though they have already been forgiven and washed in the blood of Christ! I told them that often times, those you confess past sins to will hold it against you as if you are still involved in those sins. 

I mentioned how several times I had heard, "Are you questioning MY authority?!!" I told them they have every right to question someone's authority! I said that when I share the gospel with people, I tell them not to take my word for it but look up what I have said for themselves & see if it is true. I brought up the steps to intercession & how dead they were & often people would be shamed into "getting some kind of word from the Lord" and that often times the things there were brought up was just crazy talk. I told them I didn't expect anyone to admit to it, but I was sure there was someone there who hated intercession! 

I shared how I offered to lead a time of intercession once to pray for Russia but was told I couldn't, as the base was not called to Russia (even though they sent a team there about a year later). I also told them how I was involved in a ministry to Mormons on base but the other leaders told the leaders who headed the ministry that the base was not called to Mormon ministry so forbade them to continue it! 

I mentioned to them that there could be someone in their group right now who feels oppressed & abused & wonders what is wrong with them. I said I used to feel that way because I trusted "Christian" authority too much at the time but ended leaving YWAM spiritually & emotionally dead! 
 I also said I had healed a lot since then but still have nightmares of being back in YWAM. 

This whole time they listened intently and said nothing! I said that there may be people there who have a great YWAM experience & how I hoped that that would be the case. 

Though maybe none of them agreed with me, I know I still planted seeds & when it happens, they will remember the "crazy man" who insinuated that YWAM is a cult. 

Finally, I thanked them for hearing me out & for not stoning me & left to a, "Have a nice day"...

Click below for YouTube video:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=49&v=EgrfMBQ2CGg 

 

Peter Pan Syndrome

I was thinking recently that a lot of people who are in YWAM may have the Peter Pan Syndrome. Socially immature persons in their 30's or so who like to enjoy themselves, like teenagers without responsibility. They may want to avoid a serious job or relationship. They are people who are scared of & don't want to grow up. They want to have adventure & fun. They do not want to loose that sense of comfort.

The 12 years I was in YWAM, even though I was obviously growing older, each new school would mostly have students from their late teens to early twenties, so I was around young people all the time & it did not seem like I was growing older since the new recruits usually weren't. There were students who admitted that they came to YWAM Honolulu for the surfing, not evangelism.

After several years of this one suddenly wonders where the years flew & have nothing but stamps in their passport to show for it. You then realize you have little financially or any marketable skill in the real world.

Making a stand against spiritual abuse in YWAM!

My new design from Zazzle.

The Miracle of an Apology

It has been 15 plus years since I left YWAM Honolulu.  I never even dared to dream I would get an apology after all of these years from the one who was the most abusive, but it came, just a few days ago:

"I know that this letter is long over due. I am sorry that it has taken me this long to address this issue. In reflection to our interaction on the base so many years ago I realize that I did not treat you the way you should have been treated. I did not value you and  your gifts as God would value these. I am truly sorry for the way I treated you and did not hold you as precious in the sight of God. I did realize that my leadership style was not the way that I should of lead. I did honestly not try to do you any disservice as we were in ywam. I do realize now that I did. I am truly very sorry for our interaction during our time together in Ywam. I hope that you can forgive me. I too want to grow in the Lord and be used as He would use me. If you would like to discuss specific issues that are troubling you I would be open to what ever you would like to discuss."

Here was my response:

Hello,

I did not write back immediately, as I wanted some time to think & pray about what my response should be. I appreciate your apology. I believe it is sincere. I want you to know I have forgiven you many times over the last 15 plus years. I often prayed for you over the years as well. I prayed God would soften your heart & bless you and your family.

I could just say, “I forgive you” and leave it at that, but I think it trivializes the past 15+ years as to the affects of spiritual abuse in my life from my latter-years in YWAM. I feel I need to share the results of the abuse with you. This is not to “punish” or “make you feel bad”, but coming from an honest, broken heart. You were not the only one who was abusive. Some of the council members were abusive, simply by saying nothing.

Whether or not we are spiritually abused, we can do nothing to turn back the clock & make the affects go away, but how we deal with the abuse is our own responsibility.

I have been reading my journals the past few weeks, starting with 1970. I was afraid to read through the YWAM years, but felt I should face my demons with the hope that it would help bring continued healing. I had forgotten that at one time, we were friends. We went coffee picking on Tantalus & would sometimes go for coffee. I also remember bringing your wife some sugar-free chocolates from the chocolate shop I worked at when I heard she had diabetes. It made me wonder what went wrong.

It shocked me, when at the Healing for the Nations (HFTN) retreat, that the base paid over $1,000. to send me to, they actually told me that the leadership at YWAM Honolulu was dysfunctional. One woman in leadership there even laughed while I was there & said, “You don't realize how normal you are”. Being at HFTN made me feel safe in a Christian environment for the first time in my life. I could take the mask off I had had to wear at YWAM to survive & actually experienced unconditional love. This was the body of Christ as God intended. How I hated to leave.

After I got back to the base from the retreat, I was so excited at all God had shown me to share with the base leadership & others on base. Several weeks after I shared with the council members, one of them told me, “You know, all you shared after you got back from the retreat? They didn't buy it”.

My time in YWAM stripped me of all self-esteem and identity. When I left, after crying out to God for years for a way of escape, I felt spiritually & emotionally dead. I had one local pastor ask why I did not just leave years earlier. I told him that I did not feel I had the self-confidence to survive.

A few years after I had left YWAM, I started seeing a counselor to help me deal with my father's impending death from leukemia. I shared a lot of the stuff that went on at YWAM & he told me that “On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the worst, the ordeal I suffered was an 11”.

It wasn't long after I got out, the nightmares of being back in YWAM began. I would have them 2-3 times a week, Some were so vivid, I would feel emotionally drained when I got up. They usually centered around me being back at the base & saying to myself, “After all I went through, after all I now know, how could I have been sucked back in to this cult”?

I also shared the same things with my doctor who is also an Orthodox priest. He told me that due to the affect my time in the group had on my life, I would probably always have those bad dreams.

To this day, the words “YWAM, missions, ministry and even church” give me a knot in my stomach. I was angry at God when I left YWAM for allowing a “Christian” environment to be so abusive. I tried to ask him, “Why Lord”, but there would be no response.

I felt the healing begin when I started speaking out at what happened during my years at YWAM. I started a blog I wrote about it in, but never mentioned names, as that was not my purpose. I started getting responses from people who came across my blog on the internet. Some thought it was awful I could speak against an organization “which was doing so much good”. I also started hearing from people who had been spiritually abused at YWAM Honolulu, as well as other bases around the world. I also heard from mothers who were concerned that their children were considering YWAM and came across my blog.

More than one person told me that after sharing several e-mails with them about my time in YWAM, the information helped keep their child from going to do a DTS & they found a ministry opportunity outside of YWAM. I began to start seeing that God best uses people in situations to minister to people who've been through a similar situation.

I also started a private Facebook group on YWAM Spiritual Abuse where people can share about their experiences with abuse in YWAM & how some of them have been able to experience healing since then. There are now over 20 members, many of whom were with the Honolulu base.

All this time, even now, I do not go to church, though I have my quiet times with the Lord. If God wants me to go to church, He can make it known in His perfect timing. I still associate “Christian” leadership with abuse, and will not put myself in that situation again. The Church after all is the body of Christ, not a physical building.

I have grown a lot in my walk with God since I left YWAM in 1995. Slowly, I have experienced healing & though I still have dreams about being back in YWAM, they do not have the affect on me they once did, nor are they as often.

I sometimes walk past the Honolulu base and pray that that which is of God would multiply and that which is not, will be destroyed.

A year ago at this time, I was battling prostate cancer. I had surgery & went through almost two months of daily radiation, except for weekends. I have told several people that as difficult as this time was in my life, what I went through in YWAM was much worse. The only worse event in my life was dealing with my father's death. During my treatment, I sensed God's presence & while waiting in the waiting room for my daily radiation, used that time to pray silently for other patients waiting for their turn at radiation and/or chemo.

When I told my mother I had cancer her response was, “Now is when you need a church family”. Immediately, I thought to myself, “Why would I want that?” I just associated church with abuse. It may seem strange seeing that my own father was a minister who lived during the week what he preached on Sundays.

I am the happiest now, I have ever been in my life. Not to mean I have “arrived”, or don't have a lot more growth & healing to take place, but I am at peace. I work on my art & photography of God's creation and try & go hiking at least twice a week if the weather cooperates. It is wonderful to talk with the Lord in His creation. I feel closest to Him there & spend time in praise and worship as I hike. I have lived 27 years in Hawai'i and am not in debt. I have much to be thankful for. It is important to focus on what we have to be thankful for and our blessings rather than what we don't have and the “what ifs”.

Back at the HFTN retreat, one of the women who was in leadership there who had a degree in psychology and art saw some samples of my work & told me “You should be doing your art full time. God gives us in life, the gifts He intends us to use. As you are doing your art, it is a form of worship, as you are being who God created you to be.” That was so freeing. I never felt my art work was “spiritual” in YWAM. I am now able to be the individual God created me to be. We are all individuals, not meant to be a carbon copy of someone else's vision or calling.

Our free-will is a precious gift from God, never to be taken from us or given to another person who tell us they are our spiritual authority. When I was in YWAM, I would sometimes hear, “Are YOU questioning MY authority”? Now, I would have the strength to say, “hell, ya'”! Humans are fallible. Only God isn't.

I do not know what God has in store for me, but can trust that even though I often don't understand why things happen as they do, God can make good out of evil and bring growth & healing from pain. He can also use that pain in giving hope & healing to others.

Thank you again for apologizing. I pray God continues to work in your life (and in mine) to make you the man he intended you to be, and that is one with more & more Christ-like attributes.

Aloha ke Akua

It Takes Strength to be Weak

I feel God is doing something to heal those who have been spiritually abused. I am not from a charismatic “signs and wonders” kind of background and this is not a “thus saith the Lord”. For the longest time after I left YWAM, I felt guilty for even mentioning spiritual abuse and YWAM in the same sentence.

When I was sent to Healing for the Nations in Colorado (now based in Georgia) in 1995, a woman named Miriam who was attending the retreat from Holland told me “It takes strength to be weak”. I have thought about that several times since then.

As I have come forth and exposed what I experienced during my time at YWAM Honolulu, I have realized that by being real and sharing that reality, others (even former base leaders) have felt they could feel free to share what they went through & the dysfunction they experienced.

A minority of people have chastised or rebuked me for this openness. Some have not responded either way. Others have felt the floodgates of freedom to share from their bruised and aching hearts as to what they too have experienced.

It is important for us to support and encourage those who have felt abused. Because YWAM is often a respecter of persons, people on the same base at the same time can often experience a different reality. One may find it healthy whilst another feels it abusive.

I do not have the expertise to think I can bring another to healing, but I can point people to Jesus, the only One who can bring true healing and Life. I can also share my experience and listen when others share theirs. I can pray for breakthroughs and healing and that positive Christian role models will come into the lives of the wounded. I have a long way to be totally healed, but I at least there has been healing. Living in a sinful world where we all have a sin nature, I know that I won't be totally healed until I see the Saviour, but I can grow in that direction.

I pray I will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in being an encouragement to others.

I want to encourage those who have experienced spiritual abuse at any YWAM base around the world to join a new Facebook group I have started, “Spiritual Abuse in YWAM”.

Streams in the Desert

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

Jesus has made a way through the rock, which would otherwise be impossible. This rock formation was just outside the lodge where I stayed at Glen Eyrie.

Glen Eyrie

In my last post, the focus was on my 12 years at the YWAM Honolulu cult. This post will be about how I got out of it & the healing that took place to give me the strength to do it. I will also share the catalyst that provoked change and a new beginning. People do not realize the hold a cult can have on you. In the midst of my being involved at YWAM Honolulu, for so many years I had no voice & my self-esteem had been compromised down to nothing. I felt thoroughly brainwashed & did not feel I could actually survive outside the boundaries of the cult. I wondered what was wrong with me, even though that still, small voice spoke to me that it was the leadership at the YWAM Honolulu base which was dysfunctional and broken.

During my years in the Cult, I often experienced chronic fatigue. For usually a week or more, my body felt tired, achy & weak & I would run a low fever. I now realize that this was a physical manifestation of the inward effects of the cult as I felt impotent to change my situation. Since I left, there have been fewer & fewer episodes of chronic fatigue, for which I praise God.

I have kept a daily journal since January 1, 1970. Because of this, I can go back and re-read my entries for every day that I was in YWAM Honolulu the twelve years I was there. This post is not just coming from twelve year old memories, but from a lot of those entries.

I had prayed for years and years for God to provide a way out for me from YWAM Honolulu, yet those prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears. I questioned God’s love in having me put up with so much abuse for so many years. Years can often go by while you are crying out to God, but when He decides to move showers of blessing will finally fall on the parched ground to produce fruit & freedom.

I was told by the base “Council” (Abusers) that I must attend a retreat in Colorado Springs called Rapha (which in Hebrew means Healing). It is now called “Healing for the Nations” and is based in Georgia. They would pay the $1,000. plus for me to go, though I paid for my plane ticket. Before I left, I was told that “When you get there, you need to sign something saying that they can share anything you say or goes on while you are there since we are paying for it”. It was then I knew I would need to keep my mouth shut- but I had had over a decade worth of practice of doing just that!

I had no idea what to expect, I did not want to go at all, but like many things in YWAM, I had no choice or voice. At that time no one from the Honolulu base had been there. I decided to spend three days in Arizona on the way to Colorado Springs, as I had been there as a child & remembered how impressed I was with the desert. I wanted to drive to the Saguaro National Park near Tucson. People seem to love or hate the desert. I find the desolate expanse to be one of beauty and awe. I took the above photo of the cacti.

When I arrived at the Colorado Springs airport, it was cold & snowing. It was a long ride to Glen Eyrie where the Rapha retreat would take place. As I entered the grounds, I could sense it was a special place. There were beautiful rock formations & wild animals, such as rabbits, deer, big horned sheep and eagles on the grounds. It was like they sensed it was a place of safety.

One of the first things I shared with one of the ladies on staff was what I was told before I left, “that I must give permission for them to share all I say & do while at the retreat”. She assured me that they would NEVER divulge anything that happened there with me or anyone else. I asked what they would do if they called & asked how I was doing. She said, “We'd say something like, He’s working so hard and doing so well”.

There were about 20 there from various backgrounds from the around the world, all hurting & broken for various reasons. The lack of joy was evident on everyone’s face at the beginning of our week. It did not take long to realize I was in a safe place & was for the FIRST time in my life saw the body of Christ act in a way that was a reflection of the Saviour. There was no condemnation, no manipulation, no guilt trips, but instead, a true servant’s heart that I had never seen in YWAM leadership, as well as unconditional love.

One time I got to a gathering early & started to help set up the chairs with one of the founders of Rapha. He told me, “Don’t do that! That is what we are here for- to serve you”. One of the other staff heard me say I liked red licorice & Dr. Pepper. The next day, she brought me both. So much of the teaching there was what YWAM had drifted so far from. That was the preaching of the cross of Christ & its significance, as well as servanthood and unconditional love.

After my first night at Rapha, I woke up to a fresh blanket of snow. I was beginning to feel a small seed of hope. As I walked amongst the fresh-fallen snow & natural red dirt of the area, seeing the contrast, I felt the Lord remind me "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." Isaiah. 1:18. I now knew that God had brought me to this place.

Later that day, I shared with one of those on staff what I was going through under my years of oppression at YWAM Honolulu & he assured me that “YWAM was a sick environment for me, and that the leadership is dysfunctional”. I had thought that the leadership would automatically stand up with the leadership at YWAM Honolulu when instead, they stood up for what was right! We also had an excellent teaching on “Shame” and how shame is not of God, as it does not draw us to Himself but makes us feel unworthy of his love & forgiveness. YWAM often shames people to think & act how they want you to. Christ is the difference between Hope and Hopelessness.

We had name tags to wear, but I had lost mine in the wind. I decided to go for a hike by myself on the beautiful grounds. As I searched for my name tag in the long grass & gullies, I was reminded that Jesus looks for His lost sheep.

I then came upon a gate with wooden posts but no door. It reminded me as I was walking through the Gate, I was coming home in finding myself & my relationship with the Lord that had been so lost in those years at YWAM Honolulu.

There was a sign that there was a canyon lookout 1/3 mile from where I was. As I walked up hill, I got so tired and out of breath. I was reminded that it is okay to stop & rest along the way on our journey of life. I was thirsty & there was a bank of fresh, white snow to quench my thirst. I kept walking, sometimes on a slippery path, but when I reached the destination, there was a beautiful vista of the canyon. And yes, I found my name tag at the beginning of the hike.

Another day in a Rapha session, I read the verse Ecclesiastes 4:1 “Again, I observed all the oppression that takes place under the sun. I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power, and their victims are helpless. (NLT)” I openly wept, as I was reminded there was no comforter at the YWAM Honolulu base, only oppression. As Christians, we need others to walk beside us to help lift up & encourage us. At YWAM we learned quickly that our needs do not matter. We were told “we could not use the base cars for personal use- even to go to the doctor”!

The week at Rapha flew so fast. At the beginning of the week, it was cold & snowy. At the end of the week, it was spring-like and 60f. At the beginning, the faces of the attendees were sad & without joy. By the end of the week, there was a song in our hearts & the radiant joy of the Lord on our faces. How I wanted to stay & not allow that joy to be crushed.

I brought some cards of my watercolors that had been published with me to the retreat in case I met anyone I wanted to give some to. When I showed them to one of the leaders, she, who had a degree in art and psychology, told me “I needed to be doing my art full time, as it is a gift God has given me”. I was also encouraged to leave YWAM Honolulu and live in a safe environment where it was possible to have boundaries.

When I arrived at Rapha, my “cup” only had the stains of where the joy of the Living Water had been in my life. By the time I left, my cup overflowed with joy. I actually looked forward to sharing all I learned with those back at the YWAM base and was deluded in thinking they would hear what I had to say, repent and act upon it.

A few months after I returned from the retreat (still praying for the way of escape), we had a speaker come through named Denny Gunderson who was a kind & knowledgeable man of God. His message was on The Arts and how overlooked they are in Youth With A Mission. It was as if he were speaking to me alone. He then asked people who felt called to the various arts to stand for prayer, when he got to the Visual Arts, I could take it no more. My heart grieved & I quickly left & walked through the University of Hawai’i campus to cry out to the Lord & weep. I grieved because of the lack of support I had gotten all those years at YWAM with my art & almost felt ashamed when I painted, as if it were not spiritual.

That summer, the most abusive of the base elders was in charge while the rest were off island for various reasons. He used this time to further intimidate & bully the “flock”. Once he got in my face & said, “I suppose my name is “MUD” up there at the single male staff house”. All I could do is remain silent, as I had no advocate.

When the base leader returned several weeks later, I went to him and another council member & shared all the abuse examples that had happened during their absence. The next day, I would confront the abuser with the other two council members. One of the other council member’s wives who had also experienced the abuse from the main council member encouraged me & others to go forward & expose his abuse but cowardly said “she would say nothing because she felt she could do more good that way”.

August 15, 1995 I confronted the Abuser with several other council members. I was able to look him in the face the entire time, and for the first time, he sat there speechless. I reminded him of the time he remarked that “his name was probably mud at the house where I lived”. I then asked him, “Why would your name be “Mud” if you were treating people in a kind, loving, and Christ-like way”? He said nothing. The next few days, a few more people who had been abused by this man & his wife came forth to expose them. Rather than discipline them, it was not long thereafter where the Abuser was made Base Director!

The Lord, in His mercy got me out of there before then. I had mentioned to a friend that if he heard of a place to rent, to let me know. It was not longer than a week or two that he told me about a place close by, still in Manoa valley where there was a room for rent.

When I told my new, Christian roommates about my experience at YWAM Honolulu, one remarked, “You are like a Phoenix, rising from the ashes”. I am still learning how to use my wings.

“Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last”.